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Anne Taintor
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I'm So Mediocre
Rice in Pantyhose
I’m a fake.
And a fraud.
I’m sitting here stuffing my bra like a pre-pubescent girl. (Insert horrible flashback to, “Do you want to help me build my tree house? You’re flat as a board and you’ve never been nailed!” - A MEAN BOY SAID THAT TO ME IN 10th 7th GRADE.)
I got a call today. A call from my doctor’s office. They need to know what “size” to order.
Ah. ????????????????????
(crickets chirping……)
Quick. Google the “rice test”.
Um, I’m sitting here, heavy-laden by pantyhose filled with rice. 1 cup on the left. 1-1/8 cup on the right.
So that I can answer the dang question by tomorrow.
Approving the Use of the Word ‘Damn’
My Nina used the word ‘Damn’ quite appropriately last week.
(I think she learned it from me.)
When our dog, Paisley, got into the trash and drug the blood-soaked paper from a raw roast throughout the house (the same damn dog who nearly DIED only twelve hours earlier), my kitchen looked like a crime-scene.
Does she have a death-wish?!
Let me ask…. was I really to implement discipline when my Nina muttered under her breath, “Damn dog.”??
I think not.
An Allegory
Once upon a time, there was a girl named Transparency. Transparency had many favorite colors, but she could never decide on just one. She enjoyed so many.
One day, Transparency met a girl named Vainglory, whose favorite color was yellow. Everything Vainglory owned was yellow. She thought that because, to her way of thinking, yellow was the best, most perfect color, it should be everyone’s favorite color, and she set out to change the World’s mind about YELLOW being the perfect color.
When the girls met, Vainglory naturally asked Transparency what her favorite color was.
Transparency couldn’t answer, so she was honest. “I don’t know. I just enjoy so many.”
“You don’t KNOW?” , Vainglory gasped. “Isn’t it obvious that YELLOW is the most perfect, lovely color in existence? Everyone who’s anyone knows that yellow is the only possible answer to that question.”
Transparency replied, “Well, I suppose I do like yellow for some things. It’s beautiful in flowers. But not for everything. I would never want a yellow car. Or yellow pants.”
Vainglory gathered Transparency in close and said, “You poor thing. You just don’t understand. But don’t you worry. We’ll fix you. Someday you’ll see how wonderful yellow is and when you do, it will be your favorite color. You can be just like me and you can be in my Yellow Club.”
Transparency wanted to be friends. She wanted to belong to a club! She admired that Vainglory was able to answer the question of favorite color with such confidence.
Soon, Vainglory and Transparency were fast friends. They were together almost every day. Vainglory worked very hard to prove the qualities of yellow to Transparency. Transparency didn’t want to hurt Vainglory, and so she tried her very hardest to love yellow.
But she couldn’t. She just didn’t love it. She tried to be honest about how many other wonderful colors she enjoyed – but it only served to have yellow forced even harder on her.
Vainglory and Transparency had other friends, too. Some of them loved yellow. Vainglory was a friend to them and invited them to join the Yellow Club. It was very exclusive.
But for those who had a different favorite color, Transparency heard Vainglory talk about them behind their backs. She heard Vainglory say things like, “Anyone who doesn’t think yellow is the most perfect color, has the right to be wrong.”
Transparency didn’t want to be talked about behind her back, so she tried even harder to like yellow. She even began to answer the question of her favorite color, with an unconvincing “Yellow?”, but she knew she wasn’t being honest. And she hated how it made her feel.
Still – she really wanted to be accepted by Vainglory and belong to the Yellow Club.
Transparency started to feel a little crazy. How could a favorite color have anything to do with whether she was acceptable or not? What was the worst that would happen if she was honest? If she was just…..herself?
Certainly, Vainglory would still be her friend – could still find something about Transparency that she liked even if they had different favorite colors, right? She tried to be honest about it with Vainglory and the Yellow Club members.
“You know – I’ve tried to love yellow. But, I just can’t say it’s my favorite. Pink is nice. I like brown – and I love black.”
Vainglory insisted, “You must choose ONE, Transparency. And black is not a color. What is wrong with you?”
“Well….”, Transparency began. She mustered up her courage and said what She Just Had to Say, “I’m kind of leaning toward….. red. Would that be okay?”
Vainglory asserted herself, “Oh, Transparency- silly girl. You just think you like red. But if you consider it carefully, I know you’ll see that yellow really is your favorite color, afterall.”
“No,” Transparency refuted, finding more resolve now. “Yellow definitely is not my favorite color. Red is my favorite color. It’s fine with me that yellow is your favorite color. I think it would be an okay thing to be different. It doesn’t have to mean that one of us is wrong. We can still be friends, right? I’d still really like to be part of your club.”
Vainglory was angry. She had failed to change Transparency to be just like her. But Vainglory had an image to maintain, so she plastered a tight smile on her face and said through clenched teeth, “Of course we can still be friends.”
Transparency didn’t want to hurt Vainglory at all. She just wanted to be herself. She wanted to have her own favorite color and still be friends.
But from then on, Vainglory stopped talking to Transparency. Vainglory was cold and unkind to Transparency and her family. And of course, Vainglory talked about Transparency behind her back.
Vainglory invited everyone except Transparency and her family to club meetings and parties. (Even people whose favorite color was something other than yellow.)
Transparency tried to still be friends with Vainglory. She invited Vainglory to come over and remembered her with gifts on her birthday and Christmas, but Vainglory refused her attempts.
Vainglory was done with Transparency.
Even though she was hurt, Transparency didn’t want revenge. She never wanted to hurt Vainglory. She decided not to tell any of their mutual friends what had happened. She knew that it wasn’t her job to vindicate herself. And she didn’t want her friends to have to choose between her and Vainglory.
Her friends, Grace and Acceptance, remained friends with Transparency – even though they were still in the Yellow Club with Vainglory.
Transparency was lonely, but she wasn’t willing to say, “Oh alright, yellow is my favorite color.” just to be accepted by Vainglory and be allowed back into the Club. She knew Vainglory was never a good friend to begin with, and knew that even though it was hard, it was for the best.
God was faithful. He gave Transparency many other friends, some new, some old – friends who had favorite colors like pink, blue, green, royal blue, and even one who couldn’t pick a favorite color!!!
And because God is amazing like this, He even gave Transparency a friend who had also been kicked out of Vainglory’s Yellow Club for having the favorite color RED!!!
All of these friends accepted Transparency, despite having different favorite colors, and prayed for her painful situation with Vainglory.
Two years later, one of the Yellow Club members, named Sweet Hypocrite (who was unwilling to admit that her favorite color was never yellow to begin with but said it was so she could stay in the Yellow Club) involved herself. She saw the truth, because the same thing had happened to her in the past.
Sweet Hypocrite told Vainglory that she was living in sin for treating Transparency so poorly.
And she told Transparency that the Bible said that unless she said her favorite color was yellow (like she had chosen to do), her offerings to God were counterfeit because she was not in “unity” with Vainglory.
AND she told Transparency that she should call Grace and tell her the truth about what Vainglory had done, because “Vainglory listens to Grace.”
Transparency was frustrated with Sweet Hypocrite for being, well, a hypocrite (even though she was still very sweet and truly well-meaning). And Transparency was disappointed that Sweet Hypocrite did not respect her boundaries with Vainglory. (Transparency knew her boundaries were a good thing. She even wrote this post about it.)
Most importantly, Transparency knew that it wasn’t her job to say that Vainglory was wrong or try to fix her. She knew that job belonged to God alone.
Well.
On Saturday night, Vainglory and Transparency agreed to meet. (To “get Sweet Hypocrite off my back” was the reason Vainglory “jokingly” gave for finally requesting the meeting.)
Vainglory told Transparency that because she couldn’t decide on a favorite color when they met, that she was unstable. And she also said that when Transparency finally decided that red was her favorite color and was unwilling to change her mind, it was a personal attack on Vainglory’s preference for yellow.
All Transparency ever wanted was to be herself, to be honest, to have a different favorite color, but still be friends.
Transparency apologized to Vainglory that yellow was not her favorite color.
Vainglory said she was very sorry that Transparency had been hurt, but that her actions were obviously justified AND that even though she knew it would hurt Transparency’s feelings to reject her, God told her to do it.
Transparency was very, very hurt. She was disappointed that living up to her name was used against her. But she wasn’t surprised.
All Vainglory really did was live up to her name
Transparency was willing to acknowledge that Vainglory may have seen a side of her that didn’t handle the pressure well to love yellow, but she felt very sad that Vainglory couldn’t accept her for who she was.
Transparency also had to admit her sin of Idolatry to the Lord - for allowing Vainglory’s acceptance of her to become more important than God’s acceptance of her.
It was hard for her to do, but she chose to be gracious and forgiving and kind, even though they were no longer friends.
In the end, Transparency knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it really was okay for her favorite color to be red. She never hated yellow. In fact, for some things she actually enjoyed it.
It just wasn’t her favorite.
———-
And THAT, my friends, for as ridiculous as it all sounds – is exactly what happened.
Beat Up For Being Who I Am
Taking some time away from the blog.
I’m kind of reeling from a beating I took on Saturday night.
I just can’t write now. Not because I don’t have a TON to say - but because I don’t want it to come out the wrong way. And I don’t want to say anything I regret.
I know what Truth is. But having your transparency used as a weapon against you sucks.
I’ll be back. I don’t know when. But I promise you - I will be back.
Satan doesn’t get to win.
Friday’s Brain Dump
You know how little things happen in the week that are totally worth blogging, but aren’t enough to stand alone in a post?
There are bloggers who post that way. I enjoy them. Maybe I’ll get to that point someday, but for now, I’ve decided to just have a big hot brain dump right here on my blog instead. With categories. Totally swiping Holly’s Monday Potluck idea.
But this is different. Totally different, because it’s on Fridays. And it’s not called a Potluck.
See, it’s really not the same at all.
New and Improved Ways to Sin
A $5 bargain from St*aples!! Lick your fingers - YUMMY goodness.
I’m Not Brilliant
• I thought each computer had its own IP address. I found out this week, that it must be something in the router - modem - whatever. (Please don’t ask me what any of those things are. I don’t know.)
• I realized this week that MAD LIBS are a play on words from Ad Lib. Duh.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Things I Forgot but Later Remembered
When I’m going somewhere - I almost always dash back into the house for something at the last minute. Spin calls it forgetting. I call it remembering.
I remembered that I’ve had a Works For Me Wednesday post idea that I have forgotten to post for the last three weeks. It’s a great idea for the pool season, but by the time I actually get it posted, it probably won’t be summer anymore.
Adding that to my list of things to do. Auto-post next week’s Works For Me Wednesday. Check.
Wasn’t that fun? I’m rethinking the “totally bloggable” thing. This might have been my first and only Friday Brain Dump.
Until Monday…..
Monkey Wrenches and Tailspins
You. Won’t. Believe, My. Freakin’. Day.
The very life of my dog and my daughter have hung in the balance.
Not in that order.
It started at 5am, when my dog jumped off the bed vomiting.
Spin and I sprang into action. (It’s a fairly normal occurence, you see.)
He was in charge of herding her into the hallway. (OFF THE CARPET, thank you!)
I was in charge of clean up. Until I heard, “Honey! HONEY!!!!”
Paisley wasn’t breathing. She appeared to be choking on something. She clearly was not breathing.
I started the Heimlich. (Is that what they call it for dogs?) But no worries. I’ve done it before on her when she was choking on a large piece of chicken. It worked then.
I started pumping on her stomach as she flailed and paddled at the air. It was awful.
Terrifying. Sickening.
Awful.
After a minute or so of no. success, she started to slump and Spin hollered, “NOOOOOOOO!” (waking Stink and Nina - who then proceeded to freak out.)
What do you do with a dead dog at the top of the hallway stairs???
I kept pumping, pleading the name of JESUS and speaking sternly to Spin about his lack of composure.
“You aren’t HELPING! Get them OUT of here!!!”
She finally started wheezing…. and then, praise the name of JESUS, breathing.
I’ve never in my lifetime experienced what came next. After collapsing onto the floor with a breathing and ALIVE dog in my arms, she for a solid minute - maybe longer - strained her nose to my face and stared at me with her huge dilated pupils as if to say. “Mom. Don’t ever let that happen again.”
She was terrified. And, God bless her - just wanted her mom.
We took her to the ER vet, fearing that she’d had a seizure because of her instability afterward, although at that point, she was acting completely normal.
After an hour and a half, we couldn’t wait any longer. Spin had to go to work and the ER Vet was busy birthing and saving lives.
Long story short, we believe she was choking on her own vomit. I saved her life again. (Going to the vet tomorrow, who couldn’t work her in until then, for blood work just in case.)
THEN - at 8:30 (AM!), I got an email from the school my kids were enrolled in saying it had, basically, folded. Three weeks before school was to start.
Remember my mid-June school crisis. Yes. My worst fears realized.
We had since enrolled Stink in another school. (His class had been in the most jeopardy, enrollment-wise.)
But today - God closed the door on what had seemed to be our best 1st choice for Nina.
Still working out the details and counting on God to SHOW UP - but I applied for her today at the same school Stink is going to. Not sure it’s my first choice for her this year, but if it’s God’s 1st choice, then I am but His servant.
One whole day. GONE-ZO.
Wonder what my blood-pressure was today.
True Religion
“Defeat seemed to hang in the air. Fear tried to set up house in the deepest part of our hearts. The intense battle forced us to our knees.
All that was left was to close our eyes and pray to our mighty warrior, the Lion of Judah. With our eyes closed tight, we could still hear the shouts of eviction and the whispers of hopelessness, but we continued to pray. Finally, all became quiet…the voices had been silenced.
Slowly, we opened our eyes and as the dust settled on the battlefield, we noticed that God’s beloved had escaped unharmed. Our mighty warrior had rescued us from all that meant to do us harm. Our great lover had protected us and given us back the peace we had longed for.”
~ an excerpt from Kari’s post today, Peace at Last
Hallelujah!
Coffee with Kari in Minneapolis - December 2007
Kari is my real life hero. We met in seventh grade and were particularly close through highschool. I went on my first missions trip with Kari to Haiti when we were 16.
It changed me.
It changed her too. If you didn’t know her heart, you would call her a full-time missionary now. But I know that’s not how she thinks of herself. She just a woman after God’s own heart who chose to follow It to the Dorcas Widows in Uganda.
She’s a friend to them. And I know she is confident that she gets much more from them than they get from her.
God has blessed Kari with a ministry, Dorcas Widows of Kampala, supported by Believers with the Western commodity of cash.
God has blessed the widows with the Spiritual commodity of Faith.
Together, lives are being CHANGED. Both in Uganda and in the States.
I read these poignant posts - and beg Kari to write more often. Her email list is extensive. I know MANY, MANY people read her blog when they get an email notification that she has posted. But NO ONE COMMENTS.
Perhaps her readers aren’t aware of the blogging culture to do so - but would you consider blessing her (and the widows) by linking over and leaving her an encouraging comment?
And would you share what God is doing in Uganda through the Dorcas Widows ministry with others?
Perhaps you would even subscribe to her feed, so you, too, know when there are developments.
GOD IS AT WORK, PEOPLE. Don’t miss it!
The widows have the money to purchase land and are very close to doing so. The next push will be to raise money to provide homes for these women and the children they care for (many of them are caring for orphaned relatives or friends in addition to their own children.) 125 widows amounts to between 500-600 people when you factor in the children.
Thank you for your strong show of prayer support on Saturday. God amazes me.
His Power displayed for all to see…..
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. ~ James 1:27
I’m Not Exactly Ivy-League
So I had dinner with a friend tonight…..
I like her because she’s funny.
She asked if she could buy me drinks in exchange for editing her twin boys’ college app essays.
Based on my Humiliated post.
I’m so proud.
The funny that I referred to?? She was serious.
Holy GPA, Batman! (No. Really, Batman. They’re both like, 4.5.)
Um, as soon as I heard Princeton, Yale, Georgetown, Vanderbilt, Penn, I ordered another drink.
I had to.
So, I have my 1945 red ballpoint pen out, and I’m editing…..
That’s right. Me. Editing writing that’s better than anything I ever produced as a 17-year-old.
Or as a 37-year-old - but whatever.
Hang on. Spin just asked me to shave his neck. Be back in a second.
Back. Spin’s not as sharp as I thought. I’m totally in a mood to be taken.
I had a LARGE margarita.
And then a small one.
(I should compose every post slightly buzzed. Everything seems so much funnier. Funner? More funny?? Vanderbilt, my ass.)
I digress. College app essays.
So these darlin’ boys will be headed off to Ivy League schools with essays edited by the voice of…. Soliloquy?!?!
Oh, that’s rich.
Let’s just hope no one pegs them for a mommy blogger….
I Am Largely Annoyed
I just got home from some errands and my Nina was on my laptop. Which means she’d been on it from the moment I left to the moment I arrived home (an hour?) because it puts itself to sleep after 10 minutes without use and needs a password to wake up.
Hellooooo? Boundaries, people.
I take issue with this for several reasons.
- She jammed up the whole dang thing trying to email 19mb of photos to herself. I had to force quit all my applications and restart.
- All my windows were up - my browser history like an open book. Um. My entire secret identity life is on this laptop. She knows about the blog. I don’t know if she knows HOW to get there. Until last week, she thought my name was Psychology. But I’m sure she could find it.
- Anytime email comes in, it opens the window with the message. The private message addressed to ME.
I don’t need my thirteen year old reading my email OR my blog. She has her own computer. I don’t need either one of my kids to come stand over my shoulder and read what I am typing.
What?!
Is a little privacy too much to ask for?
Sweet Nina, if you’re reading - you’re so busted.
Seriously. Techy Fairy Godmother - how do I block an IP address?
Random New York
Uh oh! Someone hasn’t been reading Fussy’s Fight the Frump.
Didn’t wash his hands in the men’s room. (Said Spin. Eww!)
WC for Water Closet. Is that European? No men’s or women’s rooms?
Guess we’re an equal-opportunity elimination country.
Yes. That is a chair chained up in a tree?
Why, you ask?
This guy ran out of room in his apartment.
I know there’s plenty of ‘weird’ out there - but I’ve never seen so much of it all in one place as in New York City.
I wish I had photos of every weird thing, but I wasn’t in the mood to have the crap beat outta’ me by the crazed masses on the streets.
WHAT is it with NYC cab and limo drivers? Can’t TELL you how many times we got in and told them where we needed to go and then had to give them directions.
One time I took the kids to the zoo, we hopped in and said “Central Park Zoo, please”. “Ah, okay. (in a thick middle-eastern accent) Okay - you know where is the zoo?” Seriously? Gonna’ take a stab in the dark here and guess CENTRAL PARK?
Want to know why the Dial 7 limo service is named Tel-Aviv? Because that’s where all the drivers are from.
Nothing quite says, “Leave it to me. All is under control.” like getting into a cab with more Arabic writing on the car than English.
Honestly.
LOTS of Europeans in the city, taking advantage of our weak dollar. Those were some happy shoppers.
And last, but NOT least, the rather *ahem* unique crowd attending Thrillerfest 2008 that was held at our hotel while we were there.
Ever wondered what a thriller author looks like?
Ted Bundy.
Every single one of them.
Imagine hundreds of them prowling the lobby and hallways of our hotel.
Those were some creepy looking dudes. (Well, from my peripheral vision, that is. I couldn’t look at them full on. Too scary.)
There was this thrilling seminar on Saturday afternoon:
Terrorism, Weapons, Bombs and Intelligence are great fodder for thrillers today. So, we’re bringing in the experts to feed the curiosity of our readers and provide authors with the real scoop.
The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives (ATF) will be our distinguished guest at ThrillerFest 2008.
Supervisory Special Agent Joseph Green of New York City’s ATF field office will discuss the role the ATF plays in protecting America from threats, both
foreign and domestic. Several Special Agents will demonstrate the weapons and tools the ATF uses in day-to-day operations. See and handle weapons used by law enforcement plus confiscated street guns and trafficking handguns! Learn about explosives and more! Get answers straight from the experts.
But a nap after that pitcher of Sangria sounded more relaxing.
Do ya’ think?!
I just don’t know that there is an adequate way to sum up the weirdness that is New York. And if there is, I am clearly not the author for the job.
I’ll tell you one thing….. I feel very, very normal compared to the colorful mass of humanity that calls NYC home.
Yes, that’s me.
Boring. Average.
And fine with it all.