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I'm So Mediocre
Humiliated
I’ve never really had a most embarrassing moment story. I’ve never walked in to the men’s bathroom in a public place. Never fallen down the stairs. Never had any kind of wardrobe malfunction.
But as of Friday, I’ve got one that makes up for all those years with no humiliating stories to tell.
Lawdy, have I got one, now.
Up at the lake, there’s a main cabin with a living area, kitchen, bathroom and two bedrooms. But behind the cabin there’s a three car garage with a loft above it that has been finished with two more bedrooms and a bathroom. That’s where we stay when we visit.
On Friday, after a drink or three, Spin and I had been flirting and I got the fabulous idea to run upstairs for, ahem, a quickie – so long as no one was up there.
Everyone was accounted for downstairs, so I put my plan in motion and Spin followed.
Ah, suh-weet success!
The stealth.
The speed.
The whaaaaaat?!
It was only a milli-second afterward that Spin uttered the worst words ever. Words even he couldn’t put a “spin” on.
“Honey – tell me you turned the baby monitor off.”
“NO! Oh, sweet mercy. Shut up. Was it ON?!”
It was on, dear reader. And it was working. Just the way it was designed to work.
(And lest you be mistaken, this is NO product review for Graco - although it could be, I suppose, because yeah - they work! A little too well, thankyouverymuch!)
Spin grabbed the thing and snapped it off not knowing what else to do and we. died. laughing.
Died. Tears streaming down our faces – don’t-look-at-me-you’re-making-it-worse laughter.
I don’t even know if I can tell you the range of what I felt. Spin was rather proud, despite the intentional emphasis we had put on the quick part of things.
Me, not so much.
Had I not still been on my back, all the blood draining from my head so quickly might have created another problem.
I have some new color ideas for Crayola.
Busted Red.
Shock White.
Can’t Breathe Blue.
Nauseated Green.
We tried to figure out a way to spin it. Lord, we tried. But, how do you otherwise explain what people KNOW they heard?
“Tell them I’m not feeling well. I won’t eat dinner.”, I grasped.
Sweet Lord, I just hope my parents and children didn’t hear it.
Second Coming of Jesus Gold. NOW would be just great, Lord.
And then it got worse.
We came out of the room and we weren’t alone in the loft.
Vanity was in the bathroom. How did she get upstairs without us knowing it? Had she heard? She certainly couldn’t know about the monitor.
I decided to just be bold about it as Spin slinked past us with his eyes averted.
Me: “Oh my gosh – we just totally had sex with the baby monitor on!”
Vanity: “Sweeeet. Well, good for you.”
Yep. No denying it. Gotta’ just take this one by the horns.
We talked “cup size” for a few minutes and we might have flashed each other to compare B to C – hey, I was desperate for a reason not to go downstairs and besides, that’s what sisters are for.
On my way down, I reasoned, hoped, pleaded…. Maybe no one heard. Maybe they forgot already. Maybe they’ll just be gracious about it and act like nothing happened.
Riiiight.
My brother-in-law, Mr, Mom, goes (in front of everybody), “Hey. Sounds like things went pretty well upstairs. You feeling okay?”
I looked at Mother, who was sitting mere feet from the receiving end of the monitor on the porch.
“Spin said you’re “not feeling well’.”
Me: (cringing) “Did you hear?”
Mother nodded.
Me: (rather under my breath) “Shit.”
Nina: “MOM! You just said a bad word!”
Could this get any worse???
Mother: “Well, yes, Nina, but she used it in a good way.”
I went inside to fix dinner and decided to outright tell my sister-in-law, too, before it got out.
Like Vanity, she was impressed.
All in all, everyone was pretty cool about it.
Everyone except Mr. Mom (who was probably just jealous). At dinner, everyone was complimenting me on what I’d fixed, and he had to ask, “Soliloquy – is it the best thing you’ve had all day?”
Spin answered for me.
“Why no, it’s not.”
Yeah.
What color would Humiliated be?
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56 Responses to “Humiliated”
Now it's Your Turn
OH MY GOSH-I’ve got a good one-
My husband’s aunt and uncle were in Destin with his parents back when he was small in the 70’s- The aunt and uncle decided to leave the kids at the beach with husband’s parents-This was back in the day of motels-
Anyway- My father in law just thought they went to take a nap- Actually they were in the shower doing “IT”- father in law couldn’t get in the room cause they had the water on and couldn’t hear him-
He went and go the maintenance man to let him in- They still didn’t hear him come in-
Anyway- he didn’t realize what was going on and got the maintenance man to take the bathroom door off the hinges so he could get in-
and there they were- in the shower-
Yours takes the cake though!
Drama Mamas last blog post..A Woman Scorned!
Yep. That pretty much beats anything I previously might have found embarrassing. Hands. Down.
I can’t even imagine!
If there is anything for which you should promptly get down on your knees and thank God for it’s that it wasn’t one of those newfangled VIDEO baby monitors. See there, He was looking out for you!
Darcies last blog post..Anyone Up For a Scavenger Hunt?
Its funny, because my first question was why you had a baby monitor in your room to begin with???
Very funny, but hey - they all just wish they had thought of it too.
OH MY WORD…I am speechless….I would have been mortified. I have to say I love how quick Spin was with the reply…heehee
KD @ A Bit Squirrellys last blog post..CRAP: My Go-To Word
Good question, Lanxi.
Here’s the answer — since there were 16 people staying at the compound, it required stuffing the babies in just about every room there. We were…ahem…sleeping on top of each other, so to speak.
Sweet E had woken up from his afternoon nap just prior to the tryst, and said monitor was left on by Mr. Mom after collecting him.
As an aside, there are times when I wish a few men read this blog because I’m sure that cross-section of readership would count this as a proud moment vs. a humiliating moment. Frankly, it would have been humiliating for ME if they heard nothing, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Spin
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA…
oh boy, at least your family seems cool about it. i can’t even imagine what my family would have reacted.
That is horrible and awful and embarrassing and really funny.
I’m sorry, but it is.
Here’s my question: Why the heck didn’t somebody turn the dang thing off. Shouldn’t your own mother have tried to save you from the embarrassment?
That is a great story. I understand your embarrassment but still, so funny!
Spin’s comments are the best! Thanks for the guy’s point of view! My husband would be right there with you, my friend.
Oh, my word!!! That just takes the cake!! I don’t think anyone would ever be able to top that one. Well, maybe somebody with a VIDEO baby monitor. Thanks for the laugh!
Alicias last blog post..Lizards, campouts, and other thoughts
Pee my pants laughing. I called my husband at work and read him your story. He had a good laugh also. Thanks for the sharing. Bless your heart.
Oh my!!
Annabelle @ Christian Mommas last blog post..He’s 11 today, but 11 years ago…
LOVE IT!!!! Sorry, but I do!
Well, my goodness. I just posted today about my 9 most embarrassing moments. And all I can say is — you win.
Hands down.
You totally win.
Tonggu Mommas last blog post..9 on the 9th
OMG OMG OMG….WAIT…that’s probably what you said……
hehehe….
Had to sneak that in! I am DYING HERE!!! That is the best story ever and I kind of want to post a link on my page to it - but I dare not lest you get some obnoxious readers come over for some condemnation of your crazy sexual shinanigans and the word “shit” of course!
Your BFLSs last blog post..New Blah Blah Blogger Surveys
Oh. no…Do you think they sat and listened to the whole thing? Why didn’t someone shut it off on their end?
Hee.
Yeah, I’ve gotta’ say that this beats every embarrassing story I have.
I agree with the other commenters…at least the family was cool with it and WHY DIDN’T THEY TURN OFF THE MONITOR?! =)
Thanks for sharing.
Kayes last blog post..Save Money by Spending?
This is my first visit to your site (from LisaB’s) and this might have just been the funniest thing I’ve EVER read! I was laughing so hard my husband turned and wanted to know what was so funny…so I read it out loud to him! Girl, you can write! Ever considered Vanity Fair???? Be blessed! Shari
That was awesome.
Marnis last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
Dear Soliloquy,
I need the following to read your posts from now on:
* Depends
* Water-proof mascara
* a box of kleenex
* NO liquid in my mouth
* and I no longer need to do abdominal excercises!
Thank you for the best part of my day ~ or YEAR!!
Straight Shooters last blog post..Mid-morning Crumb Snatcher Speak
I’m laughing WITH you! Oh that’s too funny. Glad you have a sense of humor about it (your family too!)
OMG…there are no words…just tears of laughter.
Seriously, this beats the time I ACCIDENTALLY flashed my daughter’s brand new BF…this beats the time I accidentally squirted breastmilk on a checker at the grocery store…this even beats the time my little sister heard me and the hubby bumping uglies. If they had a tiara, or heck, even a button for this kind of thing, I’d give it to you!
your most embarassing moment has beat mine by a million.
I’m the daughter of Auds.
I want you to know that you have balls.
Haha, this story madem y day.
-meg
That is the BEST, most embarassing story I have ever heard! Oh how I cringed when I read the words BABY monitor. I might have never come out of my room! And Vanity in the bathroom? A double whammie….un believeable I tell you! Oh girlfriend….I am forwarding this story to many people- I want them to laugh with me!
Marcy Massura-The Glamorous Lifes last blog post..Special to the Register! Whaaaa?
I’m with the others in wondering why didn’t somebody on THEIR end turn it off! I love Spin’s “spin” on the event. Cracking. me. UP.
Jennis last blog post..Woman Gets Haircut, Becomes Someone Else
Okay, as soon as I read “baby monitor,” my jaw dropped and stayed that way for the remainder of the post. OMG! That is crazy, although it sounds like you handled it supremely well! But, you probably jinxed yourself with the post written two days before titled, “No Drama?”
Michelle@Life with Threes last blog post..NAET Assessment or How I’m Spending My Summer Vacation
WOW…that was amazingly embarrasing and oh so funny. I surfed in from Straight Shooter’s blog where she linked us to your funny/embarrasing story. I’m so glad she did. I’m glad your family was so gracious about the whole thing…but I have to ask what others did…Why didn’t they shut it off?????
Ferlees last blog post..She can’t help it
So I’m on a conference call… and I just started laughing… at an inoportune time…
loved Spin’s comments… next time he’s not decided to kill himself by training in the middle of the day, I’d love to meet him too!
This is my first visit here, and I almost wet my pants laughing. Too funny!
Great blog BTW. I will definitely be back for more action
Amys last blog post..What’s Your Limit?
You go girl!
Just look at it this way. Everyone was completely jealous and wish they had done it. If they weren’t they wouldn’t have been talking about it.
rrmamas last blog post..Oh My Gosh!
Read this earlier in the week and I’m STILL laughing. And not just to myself. Oh no. I’m laughing OUTWARDLY. Often, quite loudly. This is one of the best stories I’ve read this year.
Kelly @ Love Wells last blog post..Birth
That is the best embarrassing story EVER. May I link to it?
Fleas last blog post..A Nice Morning to Be Outside
[...] Humiliated [...]
OMG!!! I would have died! You handled it a lot better than I would have. I don’t think I would have been able to go downstairs at all. That is definitely the most embarassing story I have ever heard.
Heathers last blog post..Big Brother 10 and TEXAS
I’m with Spin — I’d have been proud
I mean really — y’all are married, that’s what married people do — occasionally anyway 
Stand proud and just know next time Spin may be making more noise than you — when you get your C cup and all (ROFL!)
Lisa B @ simply Hiss last blog post..Dressin’ Up
[...] she might have forgotten to turn the baby monitor off recently and in turn found herself humiliated a short while later… I'm STILL laughing [...]
Hey-at least you guys are married!
Because if you weren’t, that would be worse.
That’s all I’ve got. I can’t think of anything worse.
And I tried.
We are THAT familys last blog post..What is the Meaning of Life & What Color are My Toes Painted?
OMG I don’t think I would have left that room for the rest of the trip!
Alexias last blog post..E.R.
You win. Seriously. If there was a contest, the gold medal is yours. That was damn funny. I love that you went downstairs. I love that your mom heard….and I LOVE that no one turned the monitor off. That is a family with a good sense of humor. They knew from the second you started that they couldn’t wait to give you a hard time (no pun intended)
Good for you!
ExtraordinaryMommys last blog post..Gratitude
[...] Humiliated [...]
This is my first visit to your blog and I ended up on this post. OMG…how stinkin’ funny!
Deidras last blog post..Works For Me Wednesday: Spreadsheet Budgeting
I’m with Spin on this one….now.
I mean, y’all were enjoying the greatest [earthly]gift God ever gave men and women to share and you still got it goin’ on after ____ # of years? Props to you, girlfriend!
10 years ago, however? I was mortified to find a note on the outside of our married student housing apartment door that read, “You might consider closing your bedroom window at night - it’s keeping me up while I’m trying to study.”
Whoopsie!
Ramblin’ Reds last blog post..In Which Casa del Meyer Gets Bitten by a Love Bug
OMG. Genius.
Next time you write the FUNNIEST THING EVER and I don’t show up because I am lame PLEASE notify me ASAP. Seriously. That was great for me, how about you?
HRHs last blog post..Conspiracy afoot at the nirvana
[...] over there on the left. I’d like to share the love and pass it on to: Soliloquy for her most embarrassing moment ever And Holly for the way she rocks an aquaskipper. (And if you have already received it, please see [...]
Exactly why my first question is always, “Did you turn the monitor off?!?!?!” (We’re temporarily living in one room with both kids in there with us, hence the monitor in our bedroom.)
Darn it, we keep forgetting to turn our monitor off, too. Fortunately, the big kids are already in bed when we, you know. But I always wonder if other families might have their monitor tuned into the same channel. That happened once on “According to Jim” and I’m sure it could happen to me too. Perhaps it already has and I don’t even know it!
Elizabeths last blog post..Crunchy Frogs and Starting Over
[...] Humiliated. My most embarrassing moment - maybe anyone’s most embarrassing moment - and the post that has received the most comments on my blog. So many readers felt my pain. [...]
OMG……………………
This cracks me up!
WOW! I’ve nothing on you….this was good!!!!!!
i laughed and cringed with you all at the same time.
and i think humiliated would be scarlet-ish.
aleces last blog post..me in your inbox!
[...] I had been expecting half of it. I won a little self-medicating prize on account of my most Humiliating moment. EVER. So, when the package showed up, I smiled and anticipated a TGIFriday’s gift card (to be used [...]
that is one of the funniest things i’ve ever read!!!
[alece sent me]
mandythompsons last blog post..Heidi Flaughed!!
Holy Lord. I am blushing just thinking about it.
Rachaels last blog post..Summer in a Small Town
I absolutely adore this post and was hoping you would link to it today! So perfect (for us) so so so funny.
Thanks so much for playing!
texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvanas last blog post..It is not me, it is you…LINK HERE NOW
Oh.My.Goodness.
I once heard the family down the street talking over the baby monitor talking about something completely average and I quick turned off the monitor b/c it was too weird. I can’t imagine that no one on the receiving end of your story thought to turn off their monitor. Too Funny.
When my gramma lived with us, it always seemed she ended up in the part of the basement right under our bedroom whenever we, you know.
Found you through texasholly’s blog. Will be back for more!
GREAT post!!! And we had a friend who’s husband was having an affair and accidently called her on his cell phone in the middle of a fling and she heard the WHOLE thing. Somehow, your’s is MUCH funnier. Probably has to do with you not being an immoral sleaze.
jills last blog post..Thankful Thursday
I am laughing so hard. I am so sorry. This def beats anything I can think of.
Beverlys last blog post..Heather at Adoptakid.blogspot
Oh. My. God.
That has GOT to be the funniest thing I have heard in a very long time!!!!
Thank you for that! Really. Thank you.
Rhondas last blog post..Wordful Wednesday hosted by Angie